He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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