I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
