i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Mom said you looked used
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
