She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
