Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
