He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
