Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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