I cannot find my penis.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I can't turn off my feet"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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