I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
