i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
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For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
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My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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