How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The best revenge is premature balding
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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