so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
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I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
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He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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