I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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