I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We are two peas in an std pod
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
