WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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