I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
