Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize