a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
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Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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