y did u give ur computer a hand job?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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