I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
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Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
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Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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