My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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