in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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