also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
