My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
