I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
