I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
