One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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