So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
