my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
