This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
