if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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