Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
