woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
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He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
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My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I think i got beer on your cat.
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