I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
