why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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