Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
