She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
