I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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