Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
