he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
