mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
