I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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