I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
