I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
