Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
