i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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