Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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