Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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