Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
