Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
