I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
