i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
