if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
