My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
