This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
