I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
