Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
